Two sides + a Mystery

Headed out with my girls last night, not really in the mood to party, but I have learned that those are the nights that turn out the best.

A little worn/down out and disgruntled from another tearful and painful discussion with the girl, left me in no mood to go out dancing at an all girl event........not to mention late. But you will come to learn that my girls do not take "NO" for an answer.
So I collected myself with a shower, new outfit, and a shot of rum and headed out.

I turn the mood dial to "trouble", added some Redbull and Vodka, and out to the bar we went.

It's been ages since I have really danced. And last night I was so on. Best part was there were sooooooooo many hot women. I had honestly expected to be dissapointed with the crowd, but the opposite was a great surprise. Best thing was, I had my mojo on, and the girls were all about me last night. It was just what the doctor ordered.

I left last night with a passed-to-me business card from a young little cutie. And on my way out, on the other side, acquired the number of a woman much more my ideal, so hot that her glance causes weak knees from across the room.

And even more interesting, when I emptied my pockets to put my i.d. away, there was a mystery number that had been slide in my pocket, I don't know when............
hmmmmmmmmmmmm.

It was so amazing to be completely flattered and flirted with.

Two sides + a Mystery

Headed out with my girls last night, not really in the mood to party, but I have learned that those are the nights that turn out the best.

A little worn/down out and disgruntled from another tearful and painful discussion with the girl, left me in no mood to go out dancing at an all girl event........not to mention late. But you will come to learn that my girls do not take "NO" for an answer.
So I collected myself with a shower, new outfit, and a shot of rum and headed out.

I turn the mood dial to "trouble", added some Redbull and Vodka, and out to the bar we went.

It's been ages since I have really danced. And last night I was so on. Best part was there were sooooooooo many hot women. I had honestly expected to be dissapointed with the crowd, but the opposite was a great surprise. Best thing was, I had my mojo on, and the girls were all about me last night. It was just what the doctor ordered.

I left last night with a passed-to-me business card from a young little cutie. And on my way out acquired the number of a woman more my ideal, so hot that her glance causes weak knees from across the room.

And even more interesting, when I emptied my pockets to put my i.d. away, there was a mystery number that had been slide in my pocket, I don't know when............
hmmmmmmmmmmmm.

It was so amazing to be completely flattered and flirted with.

Fall

My heart feels like the last flower of summer....

She pushed through the last snow of winter, to reach for the emerging heat of spring. Waiting for the ups and downs of temperatures to subside and transition her into summer bloom. The warm sun, the soft rains, the flowing breezes. In the heat of high summer, where sweat rolls of brows, her petals opened and revealled full efflorescence of emotion, and synergy. Then came the pounding ice laced rains of fall, the harsh winds, the cold shoulder of mother nature.

She clung to hope that summer would return. She held her petals tight, fighting the elements, in defiance that it was over. The raindrops rolled off her leaves, the tears she could not cry. With each roller coaster changes in temperature, one day hot, the next day frost, the next cold rain, she exhausted herself in search of preservation.

One day, she opened her eyes, and squinted at the dull light. Where the garden was once in full bloom with colours to enrich the soul, it is now surrounded by the muted tones of fall. Greys, browns and colours that are no longer. There were hints of the love, the passion, the joy of the past season, peaking out from beneath the auburn leaves of fall. With a heavy sign, she let down, let up, let go.

Slowly her petals resigned to gravity and nature's natural order. Each fallen petal leaving her centre more exposed. Not naieve enough to believe that the cycle will not happen again. Perhaps the seeds will drop at her feet and she will entertain this garden again. Perhaps the bluebird will carry her far from home. Or perhaps the wind will blow her from place to place until she rests in a soil that is just perfect for her.

Only time will tell.

stalker

Wow! No posts for a whole year, and now two in one day! What could cause such a phenomena? Why a stalker of course?

One blocked call, on my cell, last night around midnight, that I didn't answer. Weird that I actually had the phone beside me because I was using as an alarm. And then the phone rang tonight during dinner. Twice. I picked up the second time, figuring it was something important.

Apparently there was something important to tell me, according to the male on the other end.

I'm too tired to reiterate the whole conversation, but apprently:

• I met him two weeks ago
• He is tall, dirty blonde and handsome
• I should totally know who he is
• He is straight - given that he has a gf, whom he is about to dump b/c she cheated on him
• He has a B.C. tel #, but is travelling
• He has something to tell me, but is hesitating, because that would put him on par with his gf
• He mentioned something about me, and a dream - then renagged

That's all I really know.

I do have his cell #, as he forgot to block it. So I called him back, no answer, was hoping for a revealling message to indicate who the hell he is, but the message is blank. That totally freaks me out!

Knowing and Not Knowing....

(*sidenote*: wow! it's been a year and 5 days since I have posted to this blog. that's really beyond comprehension for me. soooooooooo much has happened in that year, again lacking comprehension. i shall remember to do a year in review soon)

If you have ever had that feeling of being exactly where you are supposed to be, then you will understand what I felt when I walked into this house yesterday. Something in my shifted back to centre, after a week that has been nothing short of an emotional roller-coaster from hell and everything feeling out of sorts. But the instant I walked in the house it really felt like everything was going to be okay. It was the most amazing sense of calm, of which I am thankful for.

And along with the week came severe manic episodes, seemingly beyond my control ("seemingly"). At times I felt so lost, not knowing which way to turn I felt dizzy in my own head. I can't say that all of that is cured, but I can say that I feel grounded and that I am where I am supposed to be right now - where the Universe wants me to be...........

I am house sitting for a friend, in a cute little character home. The views from the upstairs are stunning. I have yet to do it, but if I crawl out the office window and sit on the roof I can see the expanse of the harbour and North Shore mountains leading to the coast. In this unique little pocket of the city where the house is situated it is so incredibly peaceful. I love sitting in the office with the windows both from and back open and the breeze flowing through.

Knowing I am in the right place, physically, is a blessing. The not knowing part entails my relationship. I really wish there was a manual to breaking up. Or even one on how to work things out. That would certainly make life waaaaaaaaay easier right now.

I ended the week by moving out, taking space for the month for which we were supposed to house sit. You stay here, I'll go there. Followed by a complete breakdown on both of our parts. Too many tears to count, and certainly at least small, emotional, scars that will heal in time.

My time away, to think, lasted all of one day. Starting with another manic, panic eposide and a call to family, "I dont' know what the f* I'm doing." Sobbing on the bedroom floor, overwhelmed with what I should leave with and what I shouldn't.

Finishing with yet more tears, and "I don't know what I am doing..........." to her. Which has lead to us communicating again. Though the communication has lead to the same place of, "do we, or don't we?"

When I am hurt, angry, and fed up, the answer is clear. I'm done.

When I am centred, and open, and we are communicating. I'm not sure...........
but I plan on sorting it out. Slowly, by taking time, together and apart. Evaluating what I have, and what I want.

I refuse to pull the pin and obliterate three years, it makes no sense. It would be easier. But I don't do easy. I never said that I don't want her in my life. I just don't know if I want, or can be her partner anymore.

I am giving it the month. In a neutral environment. To let things settle where they will. And then I will decide. In the meantime, if any of you have found THE manual, please send it along.

~ News Flash ~
:: Designer Quits Job and Survives ::

This just in......
A Vancouver designer just resigned from her detrimentally-comfortable production position in the historic Gastown offices of XXX Design Group. Our sources tell us that she slipped in the news at the end of a phone conversation and it was well received with understanding as to why it needs to be so.

Yep, so no more kidding around, it's official......
I just quit.
Now I go about "Adding a TWIST" fulltime.

Um....................*big breath*...................wow. I'm proud of me!!!

Plant Care-Taker Needed:

I've finally committed. I'm quitting my contract position.
Well, okay 90% the way there, I just have to tell my boss. Yeah, I know that's the most important part, but everytime I'm on the phone with him it's like the words get lodged in my throat and won't come forth. It's a break-up of sorts. And I've always maintained that it's easier to be the dumped.

I think I've even done things over the last month that hint to, "please let me go, just do it for me."

What's prompted this change? Well remember that post where I said I would be a millionaire by 35? Well, I'm still aiming for it and I'm not going to get there on $20/hr.

I attended the Peak Potentials Millionaire Mind seminar last weekend. If you have the chance, GO! (that was an unsolicted plug, btw). Three of us spent 3, 10-12 hour days inside the Sheraton figuring out what exactly makes our financial minds tick. A lot of us found out there are broken parts and wires that need tending to; or even files that need to be completed re-written. But it was perspective and valuable learning that puts us one step (or many steps) ahead of where we were last Thursday.

The seminar was so powerful it's was the clincher in me leaving my part-time contract, to follow my dream and make this one-person design firm a swank little agency to be sold for big profit down the line. It has also created an hunger for anything remotely educational in the realm of business and finance. Tonight I will spend 3 hours learning about investments.

So as of July 1st I am on the road to biggest wealth and financial freedom. BRING IT ON!!

Still here

So, you're still here, huh? Reading my cranial splurge, which happens to prevent it's ultimate demise in the form of migraine that will lead to brain hemmorage.

I've missed you, even though the pages have been blank for some time, thank-you for coming back. You provide a random support and ecouragement, that I appreciate. It helps in just knowing that someone is thinking about you even when you don't know it. The world is so caught up in get it done yesterday, don't think just do, that it's comforting to know there are others out there who are interested and who care.

You haven't missed much, a constant spinning in the revolution that had become my reality. But rest assured, stay tuned, things are a changin'. I'm now working on evolution v.s. revolution. In the idea that, "Do the same thing over and over get the same result. Do the same thing differently and things change."

Can't see the future for the clouds.....

I'm looking ahead into to my future and I feel like I am looking for the mountain peak through the clouds. I know the peak is there, it's just logical, in time it will reveal itself. But how I get to it and what I want that journe to be is convoluded and hard to see........

The 411 is I have hired a business coach and the homework for next week is to produce a Vission:Mission:Culture statement for next week. Easy, right? Uh no.

I have gone through all the supporting documents that ask the hard questions, and I feel like I don't know the answers. Looking at the white screen with the blinking cursor is giving me a headache. What do I write? What DO I want?

Since the answers are based on what I want for MY future, I should know the answers. In fact I NEED to know the answers. This is upon what we will base the plan of action for TWIST.

So in trying to envision the future before me I feel like I am looking into a fog.

Could it be that I, or WE, as a culture are so used to being dictated the rules/plan, that I/ we don't really know how to think THAT big? The structure has always been set for us.

Think about it s a child, you got up, ate breakfast prepared for you, went to school at a set time, followed the school rules (there were always lots), ate lunch that was prepared for you, at a set time; learned, played, participated all according to a bigger plan. Much the same was of college, though you did choose to show up or not, and suffer the consequences or not. Then you enter the work force and outside of preparing your own meals, it's all relatively the same. Play nice, by rules and get rewarded.

So what happens now, when I have to set my own rules, my own plan, MY LIFE?
Holy SHIT!

This all leads me to the question - What am I afraid of? Pondering makes my head hurt even more......

Am I afraid of stepping out and charting a path that hasn't been proven before.
Am I afraid of success? But what is the true measure of success?

I know I fear it because something in my head makes me think that it will be me on my own island trying to make this work.

I fear financial insecurity and going into debt again.

I fear...............I don't know................I just fear................the unknown I guess.

One of the first things I learned with Coach is:

F: false
E: expectations
A: appearing
R: real

Which negates a lot of what I just wrote.
The logic says that if I just sit down and do this, the end point (Vision) will present itself, and I will forge a path to that point, if that's truly what I want.

Excuse me while I go finish my brain short circuit due to overload, and get to planning my life.

I'm a having a day where I want to sit down and write to everyone I know how much I value their friendships and what specifically each person means to me. I want to write my family and tell them how much I love them, and how horribly I miss them, despite the fact I know I'm where I'm supposed to be. And that everytime I hear Michael Bouble's song "Home" I cry, every time.

Maybe my mood is mimicking the weather, little bit of warming sunshiney smiles; a little bit of rainy tears.

Have you ever slogged your way up a mountain and reached the vista and been so completely overwhelmed by what is before you that you are giddy? That's how I feel right now. I feel like the past two years have been that slogg, and glory and pain have come with it; and now I am at the top overlooking something much bigger than me. But I know it can all be mine, that the expanse of what life the lies before me is mine to conquer.

The rest of this year is going to be much different than all that have come before it. I can just feel it. And I'm nothing but excited about it.

* Freebies *

No more.
Just writing that here to remind myself. Two clients lately have completed abused my generosity, and I refuse to allow myself to be stepped on anymore. It's full rate for EVERYONE now. Just thank them for screwing it up.